It’s come to my attention that there is a remarkable amount of hypocrisy going on between the sexes. It’s common knowledge that men are generally after sex with a woman. That of course, does not explain all men, but the vast majority of them. We accept and expect this of men. Am I wrong? I’ve heard that when a man meets a woman, he automatically puts her in a catagory of either, ‘I would do her’ or ‘I would not do her’. I am, by no means, trying to degrade men for such actions or opinions or desires. What I am thinking however is why women can’t be the same in this regard.

I’ll be the first to say that men and women are different and should therefore act and be perceived as different. This doesn’t seem to be fair in some catagories. Now, sometimes, a girl just wants some action. No long term commitment, no marriage, no babies. And by some girls, I mean me. Maybe I’m the only girl who sometimes just wans some action, but I have my doubts. I’m not an easy girl. By no means am I easy. I’m also not a whore. But, damn, sometimes I just want it, and by golly, I’m going to get it. This means that i start to see myself in a man’s shoes. Are we unfair to men? I mean, the way they are built must be awfully hard for them. They always have these desires that I get occasionally, and yet, when they wish to fulfill these desires, they are treated as players. When a woman does, she is perceive as easy. I guess the only easy way to avoid any assumptions would be to abstain entirely.

I guess what I’m saying is, sometimes a man is hesitant to have sex with a woman because they think that this woman is going to want to have their babies. Sometimes, this isn’t the case. Sometimes, a girl doesn’t even want a call the next day. These are very rare occasions, and I’m not saying that men should think a girl is always thinking this. Then he would just be an inconsiderate ass. But, I guess what I’m saying is: Sometimes, I just gotta get me some.

I have nothing more to say than to comment on some of the lyrics of a Paul Simon song. Not many people know Paul Simon’s stuff after he wasn’t with Art Garfunkel anymore, but some of his solo stuff is awesome. Call Me Al is one of my all time favorite songs. The lyrics are just so awesome. I’m not sure I understand them, but I love them. But the song that is on my mind now is a song called Slip Slidin’ Away. The lyrics I love the most are:

“I know a man. He came from my home town. He wore his passion for his women like a thorny crown. He said, ‘Dolores, I live in fear. My love for you is so overpowering I’m afraid that I might disappear.’”

I don’t know why I love these lyrics so much, but they are wonderful.

As I lie in bed last night, I started to think about all the things I have to be grateful for. And I just thought, I want to give myself a big huge hug!! What a miraculous thing it is to have a body as whole and healthy as the one I have. I can’t help but be completely and utterly grateful for the blessing of having a good strong body. I happen to quote the Sunscreen Song a lot in both thought and blog, but here I am doing it again, and I’m not even going to take it back.

“Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.”

How true that is. I’ve lately been complaining much about the way my body looks. But, why? I compare myself to other women. I stare at myself in the mirror thinking, “I’ll like my body better when…..” or “If I could only lose a little weight……” I mean, what the hell is my problem? I have what I have. The only way it is going to change is if I make that change. If I’m not trying to make that change, then it’s my own fault, and I have no one and nothing to blame but me. But until I do make that change, I should be proud and happy with the body I have. I should take care of it, and love it, and be ever so grateful for it.

Taking care of it is something that has concerned me a great deal lately. It’s like having a really nice car and putting it in the garage to rust. I need to use it. Take care of it. Change the oil, rotate the tires, wash it, wax it. Wow, I like the washing and the waxing part. That was even funnier than intended. But really, keep your body clean, inside and out. Most importantly though, USE IT! I mean more than just the regular walking from house to car, car to office. Go on a walk, do some exercise, take a hike(ha ha), anything that will put your body to use. I’m not one to lecture. I don’t do nearly enough with my body. I’m getting better though. Yoga has been my favorite physical activity that I’ve done lately. Try stuff out. Find out what you like.

I’m sure most everyone has seen this video created by Dove about the process from plain model to billboard. It’s important to remember how much these models are pinched and twisted and made up and dressed up and fluffed just to get the photos we see in magazines and commercials. I forget as much as everyone that I could be just as glamorous given all that work.

So, I guess I am just saying that I am grateful for my body. It’s an amazing thing to have. I can’t imagine what I would do if it all went away.

So, the other day,  I was very randomly thinking about the story of Snow White. The wicked queen has the magic mirror. Now, When she asks the Mirror who the fairest of them all is, she is expected to hear, “You are my lady.” Then as Snow White grows up, she hears “There is one that is more fair than you.” Well, that mirror is just one hell of an idiot if you ask me. If he were a man, he’d probably be castrated. Good thing it’s a mirror and not a man however, because as honest as this mirror is, he seems to have forgotten one great truth. Women want to be lied to.

This may seem a bit of a bold statement, but let me explain. There are certain questions that women ask that they want the answer to be a lie. They don’t want the truthful answer, they want to hear something pleasant. Each and every man should be prepared to know these answers. If they don’t know, then it’s playing a game where only one team knows the rules. And everyone knows that is no fun at all. So most men will know which times are good times to lie, but some men don’t. We’ll give some good examples.

When a woman asks if she looks fat or ugly, you should never ever ever agree. It’s best to answer with the exact opposite of her impressions of herself. Even if you do think that dress makes her look kind of dumpy, never say that. It’s not your job to point out to her that it’s not the best dress for her. That’s why we have girl friends. What she wants from a man is complete reassurance that she’s beautiful. If she really wants to know how something looks, she won’t be asking a boyfriend/husband/significant other. It’s like a small test of your affection and adoration of her. Be warned. These can be phrased very subtly, but you should nonetheless be very prepared. Sometimes it will be put into the form of a statement as well. If you don’t respond with a compliment, then it’s the same as calling her fat.

But these aren’t the only times women want to be lied to. Here’s where it gets tricky though. You have to be somewhat truthful. So, this is when all the stealth of mind comes into play. You have to be vague in your answers to some questions. Avoid answering if the answer is unpleasant. These are the tricky questions like, “Have the two of you had sex?” or “Are you going out with that girl tonight?” These are dangerous questions. Never harmless. There are some women out there who really want the truth, but they are few.

So, to women, I implore you. Don’t put these pressures on men. If you don’t feel really confident say, “Hey, tell me I’m pretty.” It really works too. They’ll tell you. As for those other questions, before you ask, think seriously about if you really want to know the answer to that question. And if it will make you needlessly angry, then don’t ask. If you can’t handle the truth, it’s better not to ask.

One of the things that we like to say when we hear something disgusting is that we just vomited in our mouth a little. It’s so funny to me. And it seems that phrase comes out quite often when we refer to one of the guys at work. His name is Brian. We’ll just say he may not be the cleanest of all people. We think he may have one shower day a month or so. That day could possibly be the day he brushes his teeth for the month. But there’s just so much wrong with his cleaning habits that we are always surprised when he talks about his wife. She seems to be semi-clean and mostly normal. There’s so much to question about that relationship.

One of the things we love the most is the assumed jock itch. I have never seen a man go after an itch on his man junk as much as this guy does. I mean, honestly. He seems either completely unaware or unabashed about his inappropriate scratching. We’re thinking one day we’ll just present him with a big thing of Gold Bond on his desk with a note that says “Can’t you take care of that?” But the thing that makes the scratching the best is that there is this dark dirt spot on his pants where he’s done all this scratching. He is possibly the most disgusting human being I’ve ever encountered. And the saddest part about it, is that he doesn’t have a great personality to make up for it. Poor thing.

So, we’ll have fun conversations about his teeth and blue Popsicles or the jock itch and almost inevitably someone will say something about vomiting in their mouth a little. It’s such a great phrase.

One day I tried Chai tea. And I must say that I love it. It’s like drinking Christmas. Then we decided it tasted much like pumpkin pie. After leaving the restaurant in which I tried the chai tea, I turned to Travis and said, “I hope I have occasion to vomit in my mouth so I can taste pumpkin pie again.” That is possibly one of the best lines I’ve ever come up with. It seems to make vomiting in your mouth a more pleasant experience.